i've been in india for a bit over a week.
admittedly, i'd been apprehensive about coming on this trip at first. my mom had originally planned to visit for around a month, but i'd pushed back heavily. it'd be right in the middle of application/interview cycles for accelerators, i had so much stuff i'd been working on and i didn't want to lose momentum, etc. etc. my dad and i ended up shortening our visit to about two weeks.
looking back, i'm really glad i came. it's been great spending time with my family and seeing my grandparents, and stepping out of my bubble has made me remember that that's exactly what it is (a bubble), and that there are much more consequential things in my life than tech, ai, and startups. but the most pivotal perspective shift from our trip for me was yesterday.
what i remember
i've seen my dad's childhood home before, but i remember it most clearly from my most recent india trip before this one, in 2022. he grew up in a rural city, in a home my grandfather and his brothers' families all shared.
i knew that my dad's living conditions growing up were a lot worse than mine, but he'd never talked about it much other than that when i was younger. seeing the house in person as an (almost) adult felt very profound to me.
i remember seeing the relatively dilapidated state of the home, with cracked walls, staircases cut straight from rock that looked like they might crumble at any moment, incomplete roofing, and feeling like i truly understood the magnitude of what my dad had accomplished. he'd started from nothing, worked tirelessly, and overcome his circumstances to create everything for himself and his family.
i remember his relatives talking about how even as a kid, he'd been quiet and reserved, mostly locked in his room all day with his head buried in textbooks. the story i'd heard a million times told again about how he had gotten into BITS pilani (still one of the most most difficult schools in the world to get into), but turned it down without hearing back from other schools despite his family encouraging him, because he was so confident his other exams had gone well that he'd get into a more affordable option when more decisions came out. I felt an intense pride hearing about these stories, that even back then my dad was still known as the same hyper intelligent and viciously dedicated person i knew him as today.
i remember the kids in the family sheepishly poking their heads around the corner to look at me and my peculiar american accent, and thinking in that moment that in a parallel universe where i don't win the lottery of being born to the dad with the right combination of talent and dedication to give his kids a better life, that would be me still sitting in our old familial home.
my experience this time
our trip was a lot shorter this time so we got to spend less time at the old home, but my dad really wanted to visit his aunt (my grandfather's older brother's wife), and we took my grandmother along with us.
when we got there, my grandmother sat down on a couch next to my dad's aunt, and i got to see a side of my dad that i'd never seen before. they didn't have enough seating to accommodate all of us, so they had some plastic chairs pulled out. my dad pushed his chair aside and sat down at his mom and aunt's feet with an overjoyed smile like he was a little kid again.
what struck me the most was the brief bits of their conversation after that i was able to understand. his aunt was overjoyed to see him too, and she complained that he barely ever came to see her anymore. he replied that he also was also stuck in america all by himself, and she replied something to the effect of "it's okay, its good that you went and saw america too."
saw. not "went to america," not "settled down in america," but saw america. at this point, my dad has lived in america for more time than he spent in india growing up. but my aunt still described it like he'd gone on an extended trip abroad, away from his home base for the time being.
my new thoughts
i'm embarrassed now about how i'd been initially viewing my parents' journey and my privilege to be born in better financial conditions.
i'd always had the mental image of my dad getting the notice that he could come to america like it was a golden ticket from willy wonka. that he must have run around the room in excitement to be going to a land of better opportunity.
this time, i got a more holistic view of what his life and the decision must have actually been like. he looked more at home sitting on the ground by his mom and his aunt than i'd ever seen him in the united states. when his older cousin told me the story about getting his BITS pilani acceptance yet again, i noticed that he talked about going to check the decision with my dad and grandfather, not the decision itself. i realized that for them, the experience of seeing their son/brother succeed was the memorable part, not the financial/educational opportunity.
i saw what i think was the family kids again, playing cricket outside this time with other kids from the community. while i had been spending all this time in my room contemplating ai and worrying about the best b2b saas to build, they were having fun and living a happy life. i don't remember the last time i played outside with anyone besides my brother as a kid. they didn't have all the resources and financial backbone that i do, but they were happy. their day to day is probably filled with more joy and liveliness than the happiest moments of my childhood.
when i asked my dad afterwards, he gave me a more honest answer for why he studied so much than he had when i was younger (and he was probably trying to set a good example LOL). he said he saw the circumstances around him, found out he had a knack for studying, and realized that this was the only way he was going to lift himself out of those circumstances.
that decision must have been the hardest one my parents have ever made, and one they've questioned every second since then. all of the opportunity they provided to themselves and to me came at an incredibly heavy price of a tight-knit and loving community, and the homes they grew up in.
i still don't fully understand their journey and i don't think i ever will. and i'm not going to suddenly renounce technology and go live as a monk trying to find the meaning of life. but before this trip, i'd fallen into a spiral of overrationalizing things like purpose, legacy, and the importance of doing something significant to "make good" on the opportunities my parents have given me.
my dad has done more to change the trajectory of his future from what was written for him and create a legacy than i ever possibly could. but i think he cares a lot less about what he's created than the people, places, and memories that built him up.
going forward, i'm going to try to stop minmaxing what will help me progress, succeed, and "realize" the opportunities my parents have created for me. i'm never going to be able to repay it to them anyway, and stories about my dad have already taught me that as long as i stay dedicated, these things have a way of working themselves out if it's meant for me. i'm still going to keep working and building, but i'm going to work on and build the things that i want to; the things i find fun. i want to focus on maintaining connections with people, making new memories, and building a home that one day i can also be more excited to come back to than anything else i accomplish in my life.